Welcome to Albert Park, England…well it might as well have been given the weather this weekend…Pommie stuff without a doubt!! And an action packed race for us all so I guess I better start at the beginning…when Mr Mayhem came to visit!!

After the bustle of Arrows trying to push their cars off the grid and into the pits leaving a member of the team to lift a battery and himself through a hole in the catch fencing, we finally got the first Grand Prix underway…all the way to the first corner…enter Mr Mayhem.

Who Mr Mayhem actually is comes down to perception, we've had many discussions in this household I can tell you and still can't agree but we have managed to get it down to two "usual" suspects…Ralfy and the Muppet!!

Ralfy got a supreme start and took a spot from his brother, immediately challenging Rubens hitting and driving over the top of him, causing a multi-car pile-up behind him. Now whether you think Rubens was changing direction too many times or Ralfy forgot which pedal slowed him down depends who you speak to but the fact that the Williams driver seemed to think it was a racing incident at the end of the day intimates his culpability (5.15 am … where on earth did I get those words from…no more I promise).

There was talk of Ralfy being the Harry Potter of Formula One due to his intention to wear glasses in the race…some may think he forgot to put them on…or maybe it was an attempt to take out as many of the opposition as possible, for that read Ferrari, to give the other guys a chance…I'll leave it up to you…but huddles of team bosses were seen in deep secretive conversation just before the start of the race…I guess Ralfy just got the short straw…or maybe it was just payback for Brazil last year!?

Whoever was responsible, it happened and as usual with debris and abandoned cars all over the circuit, officials still felt there was no need for the red flag…personally I don't agree but then when do I ever!? It seems Tom Walkinshaw and Bernoldi weren't too sure either as he jumped into the spare car and went back out on track…again the officials being right on the ball black-flagged him…some 25 laps later!! They're sharp these boys…

When all the carnage was cleared away just eleven cars remained in the race with Kimi pitting to repair some superficial damage (note…that's my kind of superficial not John Watson's) and I made a note to look out for him coming back through the field which he must have done because by the time we got to see him he was sitting in third place…thanks to ITV who were too busy watching his team-mate drive around all the curbs…on the wrong side.

With DC in the lead (despite his problems), it was Jarno Trulli that provided some excitement by holding off Schui desperately in each corner until his traction control said goodnight and he spun…good driving by both though, I thought…Schui though, didn't agree with me saying he thought it "inappropriate". Doesn't this just get right up your nose…he was in second place Michael be honest, if your car only had three wheels on it and you were in a podium position would you give it up?…I don't think so, so don't expect anyone else to!!

It wasn't long before DC's technical problems got the better of him and Monty took advantage of his mistake catching Schui off guard…what ensued (sorry…followed) was a truly magical two or three laps (time flies when you're enjoying yourself)…the Williams was obviously slower but the driver just wasn't and several times Monty and Schui were side by side…eventually the pure persistence and speed of the Ferrari driver won the day…and the race…passing the Williams like it was parked (Montoya's words not mine) and steaming away into the sunset (if you could have seen it beyond the clouds).

Monty came home in second although it did look like Kimi could have put him under a bit more pressure…never really looking like he wanted it badly enough…he's so much like Mika in the car and out that it's spooky, except he smiles and well he might…a podium finish in his first race for McLaren.

DC's Championship hopes didn't get off to the greatest of starts as once again the McLaren went out with technical problems in the first race of the year…and what a shame as Stirling Moss thinks he would make a great World Champion: "He's a good looking, smart talking guy" he said…Note…not a word about his driving, which just about says it all don't you think!!

On a day that half way through the race only eight people were left on track, it could have been anyone's chance to score points and Irvine, Webber and Salo took good advantage of that fact…Mark Webber now the golden boy of Australia and Minardi…Paul Stoddart claiming he "only hired him because he was Australian" (it worked) and…"it doesn't get any better than this!!" …the bimbo hanging off his arm in the paddock wasn't the only thing to put a smile on the bosses face today!! So if you're thinking of crashing the Ferrari party tonight you're a fool…get yourself down to Minardi but don't rush it's going to be a long one…rumour has it all flights out of the country have been cancelled for the team

There was much talk today (as last year) about the Michelin tyres not working in the cool conditions…while saying this they didn't seem to notice that four out of the top six on the grid were on the French tyre and only one out of eight finishers were on Bridgestone…a useless little fact for you. Although having seen Monty's tyres after the race I'm not surprised he looked guilty when asked about them in the press conference…if you listened hard enough you could hear cries of "I know nothing" and "it was him" that were just simmering under what actually came out of his mouth. I would be surprised if, given the fact that Ron Dennis has a place to gain, he is not disqualified…

Regardless he has made his mark yet again on F1 viewers around the globe…many commenting that his arrival in the sport last year was like a cannon ball…many that is except DC who seemed to think a beach ball was a more appropriate simile…now I know he likes his burgers but that's just a little too cruel.

Quote of the Day:

I'm really spoilt for choice here (even without Murray):

James Allen: "There are only seven cars left on track….that's de la Rosa getting out of shape 5 laps down in eighth place" These comments coming literally seconds apart…he'd obviously run out of fingers.

James Allen: "His haircut would have been better if it had been cut with scissors…" talking of Schumacher who had just had his head in a helmet for a couple of hours…have you actually looked in the mirror lately James…I mean I know 70's stuff is fashionable these days but…not the hairstyles!!

After all is said and done, Arthur Daley would be proud of the used car that he sold to Jean Todt in a shady little deal in Marseille…but I can imagine that the rest of the teams must be so demoralised, being so convincingly beaten by last years model…if I were them I wouldn't even bother turning up when they bring out the new one!!

Malaysia next…see you there!!

Reproduced with permission from PenelopeF1.com

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