Following the last 'race' in Austria, I was unsure if I could do this report without dwelling too much in the past…and expectations were not high coming into today's session. So to help me in my quest for short-term memory loss, I took a shopping trip and returned with 18 bottles of Smirnoff Ice…it was going to be a long afternoon!! An alcoholically induced smile therefore adorned my face as watched it all unfold…that is until, about three seconds into the coverage when they just dug it all up again and reminded me why I'd just wasted fifteen quid on vodka!!

It was not so much the incident itself that got my goat but how suddenly…almost "Alex Yoong qualifying on merit" miraculously…opinions had done a u-turn quicker than the aforementioned Malaysian could do in any given session!!

Unified outcry had now become resigned indifference, from being classed as "acceptable but undignified", "clumsy but acceptable", EJ did bring up an interesting point though, that in 1998 at Spa when he told Ralfy he was NOT to overtake Hill (which incidentally was in a much fairer situation - for one, he didn't have to let Hill passed) - who complained the most?? Michael Schumacher, that's who, claiming it wasn't fair on his brother!! Hypocritical - all of them!! So it was left to Villeneuve to say how he really felt, claiming "If he accepted the gift of a win, then he should be a man, not fake embarrassment, but accept the boos and take the trophy" - thank you Jacques for restoring my faith in humanity!! Or is that just the alcohol talking!?

Even the fans took a few steps backwards, beginning to look a bit like a Whiskas' cat food advert where 83% of fans questioned said it was good for the team, although one Tifosi member did say he was ashamed to wear his Ferrari cap following the Austrian Grand Prix…despite seemingly being proud enough to be wearing it two weeks later!! Wouldn't I just love to have the courage of my own convictions like that!!

Right now I've got that off my chest we return to Monaco and as Allan McNish describes it: "Glitzy, glamorous and unique…you must come here to see a Grand Prix, you don't get to see much of the cars but the atmosphere is fantastic" - why go if you don't see the cars!? So don't be fooled he's just hoping that should he be out of a drive next year, he'll land a job with the Monte Carlo tourist board!! In truth it's full of people with brightly coloured trousers, facelifts and poodles - forgetting the fact that they also have flash cars, yachts and enough gold to make Mr T jealous - most of it hanging out of their ears!! OK you win…go if you must!!

Monaco is always a gamble - in or out of the casino - in fact the quote from Nelson Piquet that has been done to death (so I thought I'd kill it some more) is: "It's like riding a bike around your living room"…leave it to Ralfy to go one better with: "It's like flying your helicopter around your living room" - either this is a sign of how technology has moved on or just a sign of how much wages have increased in the last 20 years!!

I made a prediction before the session that Schui would not be on pole…not because I thought he wouldn't be good enough but because he (and the team) would be looking for the sympathy vote!! How naïve of me - not only was he NOT good enough but he also went one better and had to abort a couple of laps and was seen putting drops in his eyes - dust in his eye, a flea in his ear and boos from the crowd…everybody, after me - aawwwwww…even James Allen intimated it might be "a cover-up for his lack of pace"…

Now I've already criticised Yoong (at least theoretically) so I'll not say much about his crash in turn one on his first set of runs except that after all the talk this weekend of "balance of suspension", "getting in the zone", "organizational perfection" - and he goes and sticks it in the first corner…almost makes you want to laugh…it certainly made Salo grin like a Cheshire cat and sent James Allen into hysterics in the commentary box…great to see you enjoying yourself but you really must get out more James!!

The rest of the session pretty much went as expected…except, that is, for me!! I found myself cheering DC when he got provisional pole…now please note this has never happened before and I am seeking professional advice…all I can say is thank God for 'Monster Montoya'!! I will of course keep taking the tablets!! As we have become accustomed to, Williams, McLaren and Ferrari occupied the first three rows of the grid with both Renaults and both Toyotas taking up row four and five.

There was going to be a lot of hand-shaking going on in the Michelin camps tonight with undoubtedly a lot of head-shaking in the Bridgestone quarters…only two of the top ten were on this tyre and they were both Ferraris so they shouldn't really count…should they!?

I always claim that Monaco is the most boring circuit on the Formula One calendar but what I always forget is…qualifying and despite the circumstances and this abysmal report it was pretty exciting…so much so that according to Tony Jardine, Bungle (Mark Blundell) was heard "yippeeing and hoorahing"…does anybody actually still talk like this, how 'rah' - how 'Daddy's got a Porsche'!!

I even got excited to the point of actually considering the possibility of a good race tomorrow - discussing such things like Schui passing DC at the start and it being a Michael / Monty battle …needless to say I was quickly handed a reality check (for that read a big piece of card with IT'S MONACO written on it)!!

Tomorrow it will be the survival of the fittest and whomever leads into the first corner will win this is after all the pinnacle of motor-racing!!

Enjoy

Reproduced with permission from PenelopeF1.com

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