As many of you will realise this season will mark Penelope's third year reporting on the sport we all love best. It is my honour to be the first (and possibly last) person to gain access to her in person for this very frank and sometimes rather harsh interview. Are we sitting comfortably, then I shall begin….

Dick Dastardly: Let me start by saying…what's a beautiful woman like you doing in a sport like this??

Penelope: You really haven't been paying attention have you? I was born to race…but those that can't any more…talk about it…Hunt, Hill, Brundle, the list goes on!! I mean it's only a matter of time before we see Mika behind the Mike…I mean he spent half his career behind him, why should it all change now!?

DD: The new season is soon upon us…what are your thoughts about what the future holds?

PP: Do you see a crystal ball on me (laughing).

DD: Well put another way for example, how do you see Toyota faring in their first year in Formula One?

PP: Well what can I say…one driver is crap the other is Scottish…I think that says it all really!!

DD: Are you just sore that Salo had to give way for Eddie to win at Hockenheim in 1999? (smirk)

PP: Oh that is just cruel…Salo was fine when he could just sit in the car and steer, but put him on a circuit where he actually had to drive and he was nowhere. In a Ferrari that takes some doing.

DD: Point taken. So while we're on the subject, what are the great Irishman's chances this year?

PP: As always, he knows he only has to ask…(giggle). No seriously, though, he reckons he's got the best car yet…mind you it is a Jaguar and it really couldn't get much worse…could it. Excepting of course that during testing they couldn't get the damn thing to go in a straight line, it doesn't take much to work out that he'll no doubt be trying (for yet another year) to ride on the shirt tails of being Schumacher's number two…shame he doesn't realise that was three years ago.

DD: You don't seem too fond of Jaguar, is there a hidden reason behind that?

PP: I'm an Eddie fan and like to see him win or at least smile once in a while. It's nothing personal…now Jordan, that's personal and rumour has it that the car looks like it could do with another 12 months development…but it looks pretty and that what this sport is all about after all…that and taking other peoples sponsors…

DD: What about the other Brits, Coulthard and Button?

PP: DC? Well we all know what he'll say come his first interview…"This is my year…no more Mr Nice Guy!" The same thing he says every year and every year we wait for that rare moment when he actually shows some talent. Button…let's just say, if they painted his car pink he'd be the spitting image of a motorised blancmange.

DD: Well who do you think is going to challenge Michael for the Championship then…Ralf?

PP: You have to be kidding…unless of course he puts more effort into his driving than he does into throwing things out of his pram, or he puts more thought into racing than he put into getting married…but that's another story.

DD: Then it has to be Montoya!?

PP: Of course it does…who else is there? He's quick, he's aggressive, he believes he can win and he is not in awe of Michael Schumacher…but he still won't beat him...unfortunately.

DD: Well we've covered Toyota, Jaguar, Jordan, Renault, McLaren, Williams and Ferrari…what about the rest of the field?

PP: Is there anyone else? Just kidding…but it just seems that the rest of the field has resorted to sacking staff to get results.

Let's start with Arrows who, yet again have fired their driver just before the season starts so that he can't get a drive with anyone else…this is the third time this has happened if my memory serves me correctly!! Not something all the Jos fans out there will be too happy about me thinks but cheer up guys he's had a seat fitting at Sauber so no doubt he'll fit in there soon enough when the team discover Massa is not another Raikkonen…round about San Marino I should imagine!!

Sauber too have had their fair share of dismissals with their designer being sent off with a flea in his ear…only to join Arrows this year…so let me get this straight…Jos leaves Arrows and goes to Sauber, the Sauber designer leaves and goes to Arrows…hardly a fair swap is it!!

Incidentally this ad was seen being handed around by a guy called Tom something-or-other:

WANTED: A Test Driver for Arrows Formula One Team. Enthusiasm a must, driving and set up skills an advantage but more importantly the successful candidate must be prepared to do more than four laps during the season and drive the car when asked, regardless of whether the designer has actually finished with it. Height restrictions (must be shorter than Bernoldi). Contract variable according to mood…Johnny Herbert need not apply AGAIN.

Leaving them behind for a moment, the biggest shock (well for him anyway) was the sacking of Craig Pollock from BAR…Dave Richards of Subaru Rally fame taking his place, which will explain any off track excursions that Villeneuve and Panis make during a race…they are no longer mistakes but new tactics!! Villeneuve as you may know is good friends with Pollock so once his contract is up, he'll be on his way too…if not sooner.

With Prost going bankrupt, rumours are that Craig and Jacques (as soon as he is released from BAR) will take over the team…well something is going to happen, it has to…I mean just look at the facts…with all the changing of personnel that has gone on over the winter months, there is a little group of talented Prost technicians, engineers etc that are sitting on their hands in France, just waiting to be snapped up…has even one of them been hired? NO! So what are they waiting for…something is in the air!!

That brings me last but not least to Minardi…who I no longer see at the back of the field this season. Mark Weber is talented, Alex Yoong the man with the money…perhaps between them they can take on the world…or at least Toyota!!

DD: Thank you Penelope for your characteristic and original viewpoints…as always it has been a pleasure. I shall look forward to seeing you in the pits at Melbourne.

PP: Thank you too and for the viewers at home that like to know how many times Schumacher picked his nose or to see pictures of Flavio tying Jenson's shoelaces for him, then be aware that F1 Digital + is available on Sky for a measly £12 a race. For others (like me) there is always good old ITV …there's no Murray this year but it's still free and that has to get a vote in my book!!

Enjoy!!

Reproduced with permission from PenelopeF1.com

Important! Views and opinions expressed in these articles do not necessarily coincide with the views and opinions of F1express.com.